Sections: Free Home | Members' Entrance | Contact

Part 2 - Making it Real

When my husband and I were first starting domestic discipline we both felt as if we were acting, or at least as if we were trying on new roles. That was fine for starting out, but it was important to me over time to feel as if his authority was real, not just an act. I needed to feel that his authority came from inside himself, and wasn't just scripted for my benefit, and with my permission.

Over time it has become much more "real" and I think the following factors help make it so:

1. He is consistent about enforcing rules. Every so often he will just announce a new rule to me to address something that has been annoying him. For example, I take the Time magazine out of the mail stack, carry it off, and lose it before he ever sees it. The rule now is, if I take the Time, I had better return it to the stack the instant I'm done. If he sees it anywhere but in my hands or in the mail stack I get in trouble. This is the kind of rule I'm naturally going to test a few times. If I get spanked one week for losing the Time, but the next week he just shrugs it off, then it bothers me. I think maybe he doesn't take his rules seriously, so why should I? I need those clear, defined boundaries with predictable consequences. Consistency tells me he takes his position seriously.

2. He always follows through on a threat. If he tells me that I'm going to be spanked later then it is very important that he deliver on that promise. Even if I dread the spanking, I need the feeling of security I get from knowing my husband is a man of his word. Otherwise, it seems as if he wasn't sincere earlier. It seems as if he was just acting, and never intending to really follow through. I need to know that his threats are genuine.

3. He uses discipline other than just spanking. I vividly recall the first time my husband turned to me and said "You're grounded tomorrow. You can stay home, get this work finished, and think about what I mean when I tell you I want something done." My first reaction was a sort of spluttering indignation. Ground me? I'm an adult! Who did he think he was? But then I realized that he thought he was my husband, the man I had wanted to be dominant and authoritative. By grounding me, it made me feel as if he was secure in that authority, and that he didn't just see it as a kind of kinky sexual foreplay. I still need the spankings, and spanking is by far the most common consequence, but when he has the courage to administer other types of consequences it makes his authority more real to me, and it makes the spankings themselves feel more like real discipline than erotic foreplay. Sometimes he will send me to stand in the corner, usually when he is giving me a particularly severe spanking, and he realizes that I need a break. This corner time is never long, but the feeling I get from humbly standing with my nose to the corner, my bottom bare and throbbing, knowing I have more coming is overwhelming. I will timidly peek at my husband and get shivers just thinking how strong and sexy and dominant he is. (Just a note: my hubby never sends me to the corner when he is done spanking, because I think he would consider that wasted bottom heat. I think he feels that the highest and best use of a superheated backside is for sex. Also, after the spanking I need to feel forgiven, and further punishment would probably just dilute the emotional impact of the spanking.)

4. He does not accept excuses or let me talk my way out of consequences. I am gifted in the art of defense. I can take almost any situation and show why it wasn't my fault, why my actions were reasonable, or why I should be granted leniency on this occasion. Your wife probably has similar gifts. In order for discipline to feel real to me, I need to be able to make these arguments. I need to be able to vigorously argue and plead. But ultimately, I need for him to put aside all my arguments and protestations, and discipline me anyway. This means that on some occasions, he might seem to an outsider to be unfair. He might even suspect in his own mind that he is being unfair if I have really done a good job presenting my case. But I don't need fair. I don't need mercy, or second chances. I need firm rules with predictable consequences. If this means that I sometimes get spanked unjustly, so be it. A spanking isn't going to do me any lasting harm, and I really benefit from knowing that I'm not going to be able to talk my way out of trouble.

5. He knows that humor is a natural part of our life, and he does not let it sidetrack him. My husband is a naturally witty man, and I often have the ability to make him laugh even in a fairly serious situation. The injection of humor into a disciplinary situation used to pretty much put an end to any attempt at seriousness. Similarly, children often interrupt the mood. Now he has the ability to laugh or smile at my witticism, or tuck the children back into bed, and then get back to business. This also makes discipline feel real, because we are not required to maintain masks of solemnity or severity. We can be ourselves, and not feel as if we have to maintain a charade.

6. He will punish me with or without my cooperation and consent. This is a trickier point, and one that has been debated endlessly. I have an intense fantasy/desire to be physically dominated, and spanked against my will. Over time it has become clear to my husband that I generally consent to be spanked, whether or not that consent is apparent at the moment. As I have phrased it before, I consent to non-consensual spanking. The trick about non-consensual spanking is that by definition I'm not going along with it at the moment. By definition, I'm not thinking "Gee, isn't this sexy." I'm raging, and genuinely verbally and physically defiant. So it takes real guts for him to wrestle me down and give me the spanking he has decided I need. The good news is that once the heat in my backside sets in, my attitude changes. I begin to realize that this is my fantasy come true. I also begin to listen to him, and understand his position better, even if I may never agree 100% on the substance of the issue. This kind of spanking is rare in my house, but knowing that when he tells me to bend over, he is prepared to use force, makes it all much more real to me.

Every couple is different, and things that work for us might not work for another. Some women may not even want to feel that discipline is real. Other women might be genuinely traumatized at receiving a spanking that didn't seem quite fair. Still others might feel that it is abusive to physically overpower and spank her even when she is objecting. These are the things, however, that I need from my husband in order to have that truly secure, warm wonderful feeling.


Part 3. Maintaining authority