Susan from Missouri has a husband who is willing to spank her... but the spark just isn't there.




Sent on March 1st - 1999

Dear Bethany -

I love your website and all of your fiction. You don't say much about yourself on the site, but I guess I assume you know a lot about this in real life. Once I started reading more and more on the web, and your stories in particular, I knew that I had to have this. My problem is: I've showed your website and a few others to my husband. He seems perfectly willing to spank me but I always have to ask for it, and then there doesn't seem to be any emotion or anything. He's just hitting my butt. Then I feel guilty like I'm forcing him to do something. Finally, the other day, I was in a bad mood and just started acting out, hoping he would get the point and realize I wanted a spanking without having to ask for it for once. When he didn't, unfortunately, my behavior went from just bad to really bitchy... and we ended up in a big and all too real fight. Do you have any suggestions?


Susan in Missouri

Dear Susan -

This is a classic question. It's come up over and over on many spanking boards and discussion groups. This horse hasn't been beaten to death; this horse is a pulp by now. But, the reason the question gets asked over and over is because the answer is so difficult.

Susie, bluntly, you are a "spanko" and your husband is not. Over the years, with many female friends in this interest, we've debated this many times. Some husbands can be "brought along" to understand this fetish fairly well and become really good spankers. (Please see the
Discussion by Marie in our free library section.) I know Marie personally and know that her husband is a very good spanker, both physically and psychologically. He "understands" this even if it isn't something he would have pursued on his own without Marie's encouragement.

Far too many husbands, though, fall into the two other groups: the ones who are willing to go through the motions (which we discover all too quickly can actually be worse than nothing) and the ones who simply won't participate for whatever reason. Focusing on the first group, let's look at the positive. Because he didn't totally reject the concept, the foot is in the door. There must be at least some small acceptance of the activity, some willingness to please you and this does give you a base to work from. This puts you ahead of a lot of women. One other female correspondent was compared by her husband to a mass murderer when she shared this interest!

First, since you are new to this, you need to understand exactly what you want from this experience. Are you interested in this completely as an erotic game (doesn't mean, by the way that the spankings can't be plenty serious!) or do you want "real" discipline as part of a relationship that involves at least some "power exchange." If you want erotic, do you want to dress up like a cheerleader while he's the principal? (i.e, role play)

If you want real discipline, are you sure you want real discipline? Talk to a few women who have consented to real discipline, and they will all tell you the same thing: It's a great idea, but once that lie (or whatever) has been told, and he's got the strap in his hand, the idea loses a lot (translate: all) of its charm awfully quickly. And it takes a man with real spanking fortitude to persist in "correcting" a woman who's started asserting very matter-of-factly, as she backs into the wall, that she has changed her mind and you can't do this and don't you dare touch me... To expect a non-spanko husband not to be completely floored by these sorts of mixed signals is asking a lot.

Although this introspection might be uncomfortable, because he's not a spanko he's never going to figure it out on his own. Let me repeat that: He's never going to figure it out on his own. You will have to tell him what you want, how you want it, and spell it out. Hopefully, if you give it to him in a concise, straightforward, honest way instead of dropping hints which he doesn't get (because he's not into this!) he will be able to meet you at least part way. In your discussion, return specifically to your big fight. Make sure that he understands now that you were signaling him that you wanted a spanking and that it's all right for him to respond in that way. Depending on how you think he may respond, you may wish to offer him an implement so he can correct you for this "bitchy" behavior. He might just still be sore enough about the fight that he will take you up on the offer.

Don't ever forget that our society conditions men strongly not to hit. True spanking men manage to get around this, but for guys who are not into it, this is a huge obstacle to overcome.

Use resources that are available. The article mentioned above with Marie and her husband is a good one to show him. So is Robin Whittle's Gentlemanly Art of Spanking the Woman you Love. (Click for more information from our links page.)

There are also many spanking forums all over the Internet that have a lot of nice people and good ideas. We actually host a forum on our sister site, The Spank Spot, called Secret Desires. Please check it out.

Good Luck To You Susan!