...a spanking encounter that didn't end as planned.
Dear Bethany,
I noticed that you have requested questions, so I thought I'd write. Here is
a question that I have not really seen addressed anywhere:
I met a lady through an ad, and after confirming that we had much in common,
we arranged a meeting. After a dinner out, I invited her up to my apartment
and she accepted. After a little small talk, I ordered her across my knee for
what I expected to be the main event. To my surprise, she resisted me. I did
not feel like a wrestling match, and was concerned about making enough noise
to disturb the neighbors, so the young lady left unspanked. It was needless
to say very awkward.
Her resistance left me in some doubt as to what she really wanted, and my upbringing
as a gentleman told me to back off unless I was 100% sure. Having reviewed
everything, I think I probably made a mistake. She had expressed an interest
in being spanked, she voluntarily came up to my apartment, and she had even
complained about another date not being forceful enough. At the same time,
there was still that doubt in my mind, raised by her resistance.
So my question is, what do you do when the woman you expected to spank is not
cooperative? How should a situation like this be handled?
John--New Orleans
From Bethany
Dear John,
This is yet another of those "damned if you do, damned if you don't"
situations. Many submissive women have the fantasy of resisting a gentlemen
and being subsequently compelled to take the spanking anyway. You will notice,
however, that I qualify this statement by saying the "fantasy."
In a perfect world, we would all read each other's minds, and know beyond the
shadow of a doubt what our partners wanted at any given moment.
Unfortunately, we have no such guarantees. And at no time are the cues more
likely to be misread or misinterpreted than in those first few meetings, before
two people have truly become partners, and are still basically just bare acquaintances
with a common interest. I personally balk at spankings ALL THE TIME. It accomplishes
nothing. But I'm in on-going relationship with a man who knows exactly what
I require. You were not.
You probably did err on the side of caution. Given that the lady had already
complained about another date not being aggressive enough, chances are she
would probably have loved to have her hand forced, her resistance disregarded,
and her bottom bared and paddled!
On the other hand, maybe she wouldn't have. Maybe she'd decided over dinner
that you weren't her type and she just couldn't figure out a graceful way to
get out of going to your apartment. (Foolish of her, but that's human nature!)
Maybe her resistance was genuine, and if you'd gotten aggressive with her,
she would have struggled, or screamed, or called the police!
If the first scenario was the right one, then your gentlemanly instincts cost
you a potentially enjoyable spanking interlude. If the second scenario was
correct, then those same instincts saved you from a world of trouble. With
current attitudes about date rape, domestic abuse, etc., no one can take chances.
All of us want to have enjoyable spanking encounters, but no man with any sense
is going to jeopardize the rest of his life to get them!
The solution to this kind of tricky situation requires communication,
rationality and compromise on the part of both parties involved. And
this is a dificult paradox: really frank communication is so essential
in a relationship at the same point at which it is most awkward. You
should not have met your new friend with ANY intention of playing without
fully understanding her "fantasies."
Some women have no trouble sharing what we
want with our partners erotically but when it comes to that tricky
area of punishment and discipline, he's supposed to figure it out. But the
truth is, it's hard enough in an ongoing relationship; it's impossible with
strangers. Some of the other letters in the advice section show that all
too clearly. Couples married for years have written with questions about
how to integrate "real" discipline into their erotic spanking relationship.
It's still difficult for them to figure out!
However, even if she had been coy about "laying it out," you could
have looked for hints. When she mentioned her dissatisfaction with a date who "wasn't
forceful enough," you should have questioned her very closely and found
out what precisely happened. Hopefully, your date would have taken the opportunity
and let you know exactly what the other fellow had done that was disappointing.
If she was the kind of young lady who likes to resist a spanking, she should
have told you so, followed up by a clear and unambivalent directive, something
along the lines of
"So if I resist that way with you, remember that it's all part of my fantasy,
and don't let it stop you."
Yeah, yeah, I can hear all the women complaining now: "But that will wreck
it!" No submissive wants to have to tell her dominant what to do or give
him permission to do what he wants. It does, to a certain extent, ruin the
mood. But not as much as leaving necessary things unsaid, and then having the
whole scene go down the drain due to mixed signals and misunderstanding! At
this point in a relationship, two people are not "partners;" this
is basically a fantasy too. He is not "her"
dominant. You are strangers who share a mutual (and very complex) interest.
Communication is not only important, it is mandatory.
For every ten women who enjoy the fantasy of being "mastered,"
there may be one who says no and means no. The trouble is, the gentleman has
no way of knowing who is who. If he disregards that "no,"
and guesses wrong, the consequences could range from an uncomfortable
round of explanations, all the way to a worst-case scenario of police involvement!
Not the stuff that fantasies are made of.
My advice to the gentlemen out there is that if you have any doubts,
do exactly what John did. A woman who is so "into" her own
fantasies that she cannot appreciate a man who is a gentleman first
and a dominant second probably is not the right lady for you anyhow.
And for the ladies: give your partners a break. Sacrifice some of the spontaneity
if you must in order to ensure that an encounter--especially a first encounter--is
pleasant and ambivalence free for both of you. Afterwards, if you feel the
need for more aggressive behavior, come right out and say so--the gentleman
may be a dominant, but he's not a mind reader!
My advice to all concerned is to remember that fantasy is fantasy; we live
in the real world. Feisty but defiiant heroines, and the he-man heroes who
toss them across their laps without regard to kicks or screams or protests
are HOT in the stories you read here, but less so in the real world. If a lady
allows shyness or ambivalence to stop a spanking scene before it gets started,
she'll never have the chance to find out just how aggressive that new man can
really be!
Feedback from other Readers
From Greg
Bethany's comment - Greg has written with the following comments. I agree wholeheartedly. It all comes back to communication and accepting that if you're going to "play" with strangers, you simply cannot and will not have an experience like that of couples who have been together for a long time. Things must be specified in advance, even though it may feel "fake."
I was cruising your Website and came across John from Nawlin's mail to you about a woman who answered his Ad, met him and then resisted his attempts to spank her. What I did not see mentioned is that it is important for a would-be spanker and spankee to discuss a safeword before hand. Now I know of some folks who don't use one quite intentionally, but they have usually been together for a long time and know each other's tastes quite well. For strangers a safeword is essential. Not only can it be used to signal that can not only be used to indicate the spanking is becoming too much, but also to inform the spanker that one's leg is falling asleep, getting a muscle cramp, or what have you. In a case like John's, he could have told her (in his best "Stern and Dominating" voice) that there is one and only one way that she is going to avoid that spanking, by using that safeword we talked about, otherwise I'm going to take you over my knee and so on... By doing this, John would have allowed this woman an out (if that's what she really wants) and otherwise would not intrude in her fantasy of being forced over his knee and soundly spanked.
Not having discussed a safeword is, IMO, an example of the fact that he hadn't done his "homework" with her. Not everybody wants to be spanked the same way, and I have found it important for someone like me to find out from a woman I want to spank, in advance, what kind of spanking does she want. Does she want a straight erotic spanking, with no hint of discipline, does she want to roleplay, does she want to come up with a real-life pretext for being spanked, does she like ancillary stuff like "corner time" and so on. Discussing these things in advance has a couple of benefits. First, the better prepared I am from the beginning, the less compelled that she will be to "Top from the bottom" in order to get her needs fulfilled, I will know those needs and be addressing them from the outset. Second, the very act of discussing how she wants to be spanked acts, in my experience, to whet her appetite for being spanked.
I was sorry to see an opportunity to mention these matters, to folks who haven't done their first spanking but would like to, go unused. The better disseminated this information is, the more satisfied spanking enthusiasts there are likely to be.
Enjoy
Greg T
**********
Bethany expands the comments about safewords:
I am often asked about safewords and
if they "should" be
used in real domestic discipline situations. (As opposed to, as above, when
strangers "play.") I like to differentiate between a "safeword" which
stops the "scene,"
no questions asked, and what I term a "stopword."
Every couple who practices domestic
discipline should have a stopword. This is a word used to stop a spanking
when something MUST stop the spanking because of factors external to the
spanking. Only my partner decides when my spanking is over, but things
external to the spanking occasionally must be signaled to the partner.
Once when I was being spanked, I accidentally slammed my face on a piece
of metal sticking out of the bedframe. My desperate shrieks of "Stop Stop Stop" went unheeded - because
I'd been shrieking the same thing for the previous few minutes. It was a
few very scary seconds before he understood that "something" had
changed. Other things that might go wrong would be a cramp, etc. One correspondent
reports that she foolishly put her hand back once, and just the edge of the
strap caught her fingernail and partially tore it off. These things can happen
and you must have a way to communiate it.
Misuse of the stop word obviously is a serious
offense, one that would immediately involve recommencement of the spanking
- with possibly a more severe implement reserved for just that eventuality. **********
