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Dear Bethany,

Like many of your readers, I am obsessed with spankings. I have been since I was little, but never rec'd physical punishment from my parents.

My husband is mentally loving and a wonderful provider, but has no drive for physical contact. While this is a problem within itself, I have never been able to tell him about my obsession or need to be corrected. In fact, I have never spoken of this to a single living soul, male or female. I am too embarassed. My husband would never understand, and I would die of embarassment to even say anything to him. Writing a letter is not an option either. I know he would not even discuss it with me, possibly would be repulsed that I was so "perverse" about such a thing.

Am I doomed to spend the rest of my life sneaking books and magazines and dreaming in my fantasies?

Any advice will be taken to heart.

From Bethany


I'm glad you wrote, though I can't tell you that I have "happy" news or an easy solution. As I have said in some of the other letters in the advice column, there are people in this world who are "spankos." For some reason - a combination of heredity and environment - who knows? - we are "interested" in spanking. For some this takes a more erotic bent. For others, like myself, it seems both erotically wonderful yet also pychologically necessary that we receive stern bare bottom punishment... as well as the scolding, etc., that goes along with it. It has been an image that has been with me since I have been four. One male correspondent has told me that he remembers wanting to spank the little girls - in kindergarten.

Your husband is in all probability NOT a spanko. In fact - if I read your letter correctly - he doesn't seem to have much of a sex drive at all. There is no way that he will ever become a spanko. Some men in this situation seem to be able to understand their wives' needs and learn to meet them. Some manage to do it very very well. Others completely reject the concept. You appear to suggest that you feel that he would never understand, though you haven't discussed it with him. He's your husband, so I have to assume you know him pretty well. Therefore, you are probably right... he would never want to participate in this with you. And many women who have tried to get their husbands to participate learn very quickly that there is a lot more to spanking than a hand on a butt; without the psychology that goes along with it, it can be worse than nothing, just unspeakably frustrating when he can't seem to get it "right."

At this point, you have several options:

1. You can try to discuss this with your husband, though you seem to have already rejected this as an option. However, "nothing ventured, nothing gained" is a wise old saying for a reason.... One "half-way" option here might be to leave some of those books and magazines out where he will find them and see what his response is, i.e., sort of testing the waters in a passive way. If he snatches it up, shouts "This is the most disgusting thing I have ever seen," and rushes to the yard to burn it, you pretty much know where you stand. On the other hand, if he flips through, looks at you thoughtfully, and asks where it came from, you can respond, with a coy sort of smile, "Oh, it's just something that I think is kind of a turn on" and see what his response is. If he doesn't reject it then, the door might be open just a little. IF the door opens, my suggestion is to present it as just an erotic "game" first. Casual, light, fun, no big deal. If you get anywhere with that, then just possibly you can talk to him about real discipline.

2. You can accept that you will never experience this in real life, because you can neither share it with your husband or seek it elsewhere. In this case, you will be doomed to sneaking books and magazines and dreaming, and possibly forming some on-line relationships and friends with whom you can at least discuss it.

3. You can go outside of your marriage to have these needs met. Under this category you would find three options:

a. You can find a cyber disciplinarian with whom you will have an on-line (or on-line and phone) relationship only. Although not nearly as powerful as having this in real life, there are some people who find their needs met, at least partiially, by such a relationship.
b. You can find a disciplinarian with whom you do not have a sexual relationship (i.e., intercourse.) This could be someone you meet on-line (chat room or through an ad.) There are many married men who do not wish to "cheat" on their wives who are interested in such a relationship. There are also some professional male doms (mostly big cities, though.) Going to a professional might seem very "artificial" to you; on the other hand, you might not consider it cheating on your husband if you are paying for it, and there are definitely no strings with this sort of arrangement.
c. You can have an affair... perhaps a long term one... in which you have both your sexual and disciplinary needs met.

4. You can decide that you are in a marriage that is so unfufilling that you will leave it and find another partner.

So you see... none of these options are particularly wonderful. All (except number 1, which might have a slim chance of success) involve various levels of heartache and pain. You don't say how old you are, whether you have children, whether you are dependant on him for financial support, whether you have strong religious beliefs which would prevent you from having an affair or obtaining a divorce, all critical questions, and ones that only know you know the answer to.

But the bottom line is that he is unlikely to change. If you want this, you will have to find it elsewhere.

I wish I had an easier solution for you.