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Not Bethany's usual cup of tea, but has some relevant comments about communicating needs in a relationship.

Dear Bethany- I've been dating my girlfriend for about a year. usually I think I'm kind of a dominant guy, but when we get to the bedroom, I want her to pull me across her lap and spank me like a little kid. She knows the idea of her spanking me turns me on, but she hasn't done anything other than slap my ass in public a few times. Also, I'm worried if I tell her to do this she'll think less of me as a man. What do I do?


From Bethany

Hi Ed-

I can only give you the advice I've given again and again. There are spankos in this world... people for whom spanking is a "fetish," with implications and ramifications for their whole lives. Then there are others who, while not really sharing the spanking fetish, are sufficiently open to the idea to allow... even enjoy... some spanking play in their sex lives and/or participate in domestic discipline arrangements because it is important to their partners. Then there are others for whom the idea is, frankly, repulsive.

When two spankos meet, they manage to communicate this to each other somehow. Spanko one drops a hint... two responds... and before you know it, someone's gettin' a lickin'. It sounds to me like you are a spanko, and you're girl friend probably is not. How significant is it that she's swatted you on the butt a few times? Hard to say... I have no desire to provide my partner with any "real" discipline... yet I've playfully swatted his ass a few times.

You're worried that if you tell her, she will think less of you "as a man." Well, it's a risk, and it's one that you are going to have to decide whether or not you are willing to take. It would be easy to sit here and say, "Oh, don't worry... I'm sure that nothing like that will happen," but I'm not comfortable doing that. To be perfectly blunt, if I had begun dating a man who had confessed to me that he was a sub and wanted to be spanked, I would not have thought any less of him as a PERSON, but I don't think I would have continued to view him as an acceptable long-term partner, either.

On the other hand, if she's NOT willing to provide this, do you WANT to be with her long-term? I suspect that that's the question you will need to answer first. If you don't want a long-term relationship with someone who is unwilling to fulfill this fantasy, then really what do you have to lose by sharing it, and honestly, the sooner the better? On the other hand, if this woman is important enough to you that you don't want to lose her, and you are unwilling to jeopardize that to have this interest/need met, you may want to share it very gradually, and at the first sign of reluctance, back off. Of course, please realize that you will be dedicating your life to someone with whom you've decided you can't share a fairly important facet of your sexuality. There are a lot of women who are members of Bethany's Woodshed who would tell you, in retrospect, that making that choice can have some serious long term effects.

Some ideas if you do choose to broach the subject:
Next time your birthday rolls around, and she asks you what you want, say, without blinking, "a good old-fashioned spanking." Birthdays are a great opportunity to introduce the topic jokingly. If the door is slammed in your face, you'll know where you stand. On the other hand, she might look interested, and this might lead you two to a more frank discussion of the topic.
If she's swatted you, she probably has some interest in spanking, so have you considered the possibility that she might be willing to switch? You say you're a pretty dominant guy, and that may be attractive to her. Have you ever suggested/threatened HER with a spanking? You know her best, but consider growling in her ear the next time she's sort of bratty, "I think you need a trip over my knee." Maybe if you start spanking her (and this gives a good excuse to get some implements in he house, too) you'll find she's willing to switch.

I don't know if I helped, but let me know what you think...