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...how to make her spanking fantasy a reality as she prepares for her first real spanking.


Dear Bethany;

I just read the story of "My First Spanking" By Sharon. The story was terrific, it put me on edge. I am going to receive my first spanking very soon as well. But I'm a little leery of going through with it. I've taken all the necessary precautions, but reading the story and doing it are two different things. I can honestly say I am just like Sharon in the story, wanting and needing the love to be spanked. I've never been spanked before (as a child), and now that I'm a grown woman, the curiosity of being spanked is overwhelming. The anticipation of being spanked is turning me on, and my feelings are running in many different directions.

Do you have any suggestions or tips to give to me, to make the fantasy of my dreams come true?

Carole

 

From Bethany

Hi-

A lot of people feel as you do before their first adult spanking. I've got to tell you something... very bluntly. I don't have a statistic, but I know for a fact that a certain percentage of women who try this out find that the reality "ruins" the fantasy and choose never to do it again. Real spanking really hurts. As you say, reading about it and doing ARE very different things.

I've been spanked many many times, and I often find myself saying the same thing when I am turned over his knee and he's just flat - out walloping me: WHY did I EVER think that this was a good idea? Why did I think this would be FUN? What in the world is WRONG with me? THIS IS HORRIBLE! (And I'm "used to" it!)

It sounds very much as if you have been corresponding with someone extensively and have made arrangements that incorporate safety, etc. I'm not going to go into that here.. The most important things is that you have talked at length with your prospective spanker about what you expect from the experience... and what you do NOT wish to have happen.

Let's review.

There are really three kinds of adult spankings:

A. Erotic. The purpose is to arouse. This may involve some sort of role play, it may not. But it's pretty clear from the start that this will end with two excited people and some sexual contact. It's a game. They may "play" at punishment for "real" behaviors (as my partner and I do at times for "sassiness" - I get a very real spanking, but we both know we're going to end up in bed) or it may be a true role play (principal/cheerleader - he is NOT a principal and she is NOT a cheerleader - it's just a good way to let go of inhibitions, have fun, get someone spanked, and have a great time afterwards.)

B. Disciplinary. This is a spanking to address "real" issues of control, behavior, and punishment. The submissive is being "corrected" through spanking for issues in her life, specific misdeeds, or both. It is understood by both that they will NOT end up afterwards having sex... she is being punished.

c. Disciplinary/Erotic This combines the two. Real issues are addressed, the spanking may be quite severe, yet at some level there is acknowledgement on both sides that it is arousing and will end at some point with sex.

My first suggestion is: Be as clear in your mind what you desire.

My second suggestion is: Make sure you have a partner who understands what you want.

If your main interest in spanking is playing games (and there is NOTHING wrong with this) in which you dress up like a schoolgirl and the principal spanks you as a prelude to great sex, you must communicate this. And vice versa... if you have a partner who is entirely into erotic role play and you are looking for a "real" discipline spanking, the whole things is bound to be disappointing (or worse) for both of you. The story "Ain't Your Daddy" which is one of most popular stories actually uses as a premise this very "problem" Our heroine does NOT communicate with the man she meets with what she's looking for from a "spanking" relationship, with potentially very negative results. She's saved, and everyone lives happily ever after, but that is a story; real life is often less forgiving.

My third suggestion is: be realistic.

The fantasy of your dreams might NOT come true this first time. . Look at it this way. If every woman who did not have a good first experience with sex just gave up on it after the first time, well, I doubt if any one of us would be here to read this! I mean, really. How many of us remember losing our virginity as some marvelous soaring "initiation" into the pinnacles of delight? Yeah, right! More like YUCK! This is not really that much different. Spanking is an intimate act, involving trust and communication and a certain amount of practice.

In a way it's an oxymoron -- something that is an implied contradiction. Personally, I consider spanking a great deal more intimate than sex, involving a partner who knows me far better than perhaps a casual sexual partner would need to know me... yet so often women in the scene are forced to find this with virtual strangers. Definitely a contradiction!

In spite of "believing" that you have communicated well and that he understands, he may not get it right for you. It could be that it will take more practice with THIS man. It could also be that it will take a different man. I have one friend who had this very experience. Everything seemed fine... the communication was good... they'd exchanged pictures and she thought he was good-looking... he seemed to understand fully what she was looking for, but when she went OTK, it just wasn't great. It wasn't horrible, but it wasn't wonderful either. It hurt more than she thought it would (!) and she just did not feel connected to him like she had expected.

But, my friend did not give up... found another partner... and she ultimately ended up marrying that second man. But if she had allowed the first experience to destroy her fantasy of the kind of relationship she wanted, she might have denied herself a long-term relationship that is turning out to be wonderful for her.

So bottom line: Communicate, if it feels wrong don't do it, and have reasonable expectations.

Bethany